Hi, my name is Jeffrey the Macaroni Penguin. I am the prime minister of the penguin contingent on Heard Island, which was recently informed by Donald Trump, the president of the United States, that we would be subject to a 10% tariff due to an alleged trade imbalance with his country.

I’d like to take this opportunity to respond to the allegations before the simmering trade war between the U.S. and a chain of remote islands uninhabited by human beings for nearly 150 years gets out of hand.

I’d first like to point out that our population is composed entirely of penguins, seals, birds and insects, and though we’re quite hardworking, our only known export is the poop that Bill, an Arctic gull who loves to fly north for the long Presidents Day weekend, drops on beaches in Madagascar. Bill’s been making the same joke for years that his dung is a valuable natural resource but none of us ever thought to take him seriously.

And while it is true that Heard Island is 80% covered in ice, it is entirely fake news that we export all the ice used in Donald Trump’s Diet Coke slushies. As far as size goes, yes, it’s true that we don’t have much land to speak of. The McDonald Islands are 15/16th of a square mile in total, and if you’re going to talk about them, we insist that you specify the exact square footage because Barb in legal says that if we were to get up to an entire square mile in area, we’d be subject to an additional 1% tariff.

We have no idea how it got out that we’re even exporting anyway. Where would we export from? The only way to get here is in a two-week trip at sea — the first guy to land a helicopter here literally made the history books. We have no ports or harbors, and boats need to dock offshore, which if you’ve ever smelled some a guy who’s been at sea for two weeks, well, you’d understand why that is. That’s not to say that we don’t welcome tourists, though! Plenty of scientists stuffed into nylon snowsuits have taken core temperatures and measured the degree to which the glaciers have receded because of global warming, but they’re always a big bummer, to be perfectly frank.

We want a little bit of that sweet spring break action — maybe some sunburned high school kids in XXL sweatsuits and Instagram influencers taking selfies in front of sunsets while they do duck faces and hold up peace signs. And it’s not a pipe dream! Monthly average temperatures in the sunny northern portion of Heard Island hit anywhere from a balmy 38.7 to a sultry 41.4 degrees Fahrenheit in the summer, but so far, our Vrbo listings haven’t gotten a single hit. My son Gary, who posted it for us, says we need more seal pictures, but those suckers really don’t like having their pictures taken and we’re still waiting for Amazon to deliver that underwater camera we ordered in October.

Personally, I think the lack of interest has more to do with the fact that visitors would have to stay in an abandoned sealing hut from the 1800s, but no one in the Heard Island Facebook group seems to agree with me. But there’s no doubt that we have lots to offer, geologically speaking. Heard Island and McDonald Islands are home to the only two active volcanoes in Australian territory, one of which was dormant for 75,000 years before erupting in the 1990s! That’s impressive, wouldn’t you say, and not at all threatening to travelers who might get stuck here?

At the end of the day, Americans, we want to end this trade war peacefully and quickly. There’s no point in extending the hostilities. You send us your best TikTokers and we’ll give them the experience of a lifetime. Gary will show them around the sealing hut, and they’re welcome to all-you-can-eat Antarctic krill at the Fish Keg’s Saturday buffet.

Just please, for the love of all that’s holy, someone talk some sense into Trump. We have the feeling you’re going to need all the friends you can get.

To learn more about Georgia Garvey, visit GeorgiaGarvey.com.