I’ve tried counseling off and on for much of my adult life. The first time was 26 years ago when my eldest daughter at 9 months of age ended up in the hospital ICU for a severe reaction to peanut butter. I used my Employee Assistance Plan (EAP) and thankfully it was only three sessions. The reason I say “thankfully” is that I expressed that if I had to choose my life over hers, she was nine months old I was 27, that I would. My counselor said, “That’s stupid,” and that was that. For the next two sessions, I learned a lot about him but didn’t pick up on any true skills for myself. Fast forward 20 years, I saw a counselor due to my brother having passed, work issues and other life issues. That went well until I lost my job and insurance and again was set adrift. Then three years ago, right around the time of my other brother dying, (three years this month), I dialed up our EAP and gave it another try.

This time I requested that I be online, or phone and I didn’t want a local counselor as I had worked with or been part of teams/community boards with them. I landed a counselor from lower Michigan, near Petoskey where I had lived briefly. Later, I would discover that I had met him when I was working at the hospital in Petoskey. My main reasons for wanting counseling were to work on my unresolved grief of not only my brother’s passing but of my last divorce and just failure in general. Soon after starting, I found myself being part of a lawsuit that revolved around childhood trauma, the list of why to be in counseling was growing and I was grateful for it. So why would I want to stop if it was helpful? Here’s why:

He was able to show me that all the time and money spent helping my siblings with housing and appointments, etc., was truly an act of love that even though not returned was one that displayed the type of person I wanted to be, even though at times quite difficult. We worked through the loss of my last marriage and why it was different from previous relationships. I had to realize that letting go, (it would have helped to know that she remarried two years earlier than when I discovered that), and to focus on lessons learned and to wish her the best was in my best interest. Sometimes in life, we get blindsided but ultimately, we have to look at ourselves and accept the role we play in anything that fails, from relationships to employment, and once we do, we can move on. The last thing we’ve been working on is twofold, the first being the childhood trauma of SA while in Boy Scouts, and then the difficulty of being the last Foreman boy left, and how being the youngest shouldn’t have left me being the responsible one. The big positive from the SA case is that I now have free counseling for life if needed, but more importantly, I needed to hear that what happened to me wasn’t my fault and in turn has led me to live a professional life of always being aware of who I’m working with, to look for signs of grooming, and to report what I see. With the case over and any settlement not being life-changing, I feel I can move on from that part of my life and without the monthly reminders from the lawyer coming in, I can put the past to rest.

I’m not ending counseling because I don’t need it anymore, I’m ending counseling so that I don’t save up any topics to discuss with my counselor that I should be discussing with the person or persons who offended me. I feel everyone should try counseling, specifically in a small town where rumors become truth when often they aren’t even close, and confidentiality amongst friends isn’t as secure as that with a counselor. It’s not a weakness to seek help, but it’s time to try life with the tools I learned.

Brian can be reached at foremanbrian4@gmail.com.