A colleague has accused me of being the Daily Mining Gazette's No. 1 "Weird Al" Yankovic fan.
Considering his new album, "Mandatory Fun," debuted at No. 1 on the Billboard chart, I think that's a noble pursuit. And besides, I didn't file my paperwork for People Magazine's "Sexiest Man Alive" 2014 in time, so I guess it's time to aim for lesser goals.
In the new album, Yankovic treads in (or treads on) the genre of sports fight songs with the delightfully generic 'Sports Song.' Sample lyric: Your sports team is vastly inferior/That simple fact is plainly obvious to see//We're going to kick your collective posterior/Of course, you know we're speaking fig-ur-a-tive-ly...
Of course, the song sounds a little more like a Sousa march than "The Victors." Then again, "The Victors" is also a Sousa march, but I think I've outed myself enough as a geek to digress further.
Huey Lewis and the News made a famous album entitled "Sports" that had nearly nothing to do with sports at all unless you think "I Want a New Drug" was about steroids.
Yankovic has said "Mandatory Fun" may be his last conventional album, since parodies play better in the YouTube era when they can be turned around quickly. But I'd be glad to assist him with a concept album on sports. "Weird Al" has been rocking the world of musical parody since before I was born, so who am I to give suggestions?
After "Word Crimes," his recent ode to good grammar on the Internet, I like to think we're kindred spirits. So, here's a few track ideas.
"Stay With Heat" featuring Dwyane Wade, parodying "Stay With Me," by Sam Smith:
Oh, please stay with the Heat
I've got aching knees
Bosh's an alien, you see
Stay in Miami
On the other side of the conflict, "Let it Go," from the perspective of Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert:
Let it go, let it go
I'm not mad at him anymore
Let it go, let it go
LeBron and I will make dough
Cleveland's saved and we've got big plans!
The world won't knooooooooooow
I write nasty letters in Comic Sans
The Packers 2013 season went south quickly after Aaron Rodgers' broken collarbone, which Weird Al and I can commemorate in a country song inspired by Florida Georgia Line and fit for Hodag or Country USA or whatever festival you're Instagramming selfies from this weekend.
We can win all 16, roll to Arizona,
Beat the Lions and Bears and win in Minnesota
We'll have the Super Bowl won before August the third
We'll cure cancer and find world peace unless Rodgers is hurt
Never hurts to throw in some classics in there, like the baseball trade deadline Meat Loaf parody, "I'd Do Anything For Glove (But I Won't Trade That)." Also, since it's Weird Al, there probably should be at least one song about food, a base we can cover by parodying LMFAO's "Shots" in a video shot at Miller Park and entitled "Brats."
Weird Al doesn't actually take submissions from fans "for legal and personal reasons," and besides, these are just drafts.
But I can only hope to have the career longevity "Weird Al" has possessed.