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In the Catbird Seat/Joe Kirkish

Fun with words

September 6, 2012
The Daily Mining Gazette

There are many ways to state something. Our language is a remarkable thing, and even classified ads can be humorous while simultaneously imparting information. Consider these, found among the pages of a city newspaper:

FREE PUPPIES. They're one-half cocker spaniel & one-half sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES: Part German shepherd & part stupid dog.

FOUND: Dirty white dog, must've been out for a while. Looks like a huge rat. There better be a reward.

FOR SALE: Snow blower, only used on snowy days.

FOR SALE: Nordic Track, hardly used. Call Chubby.

FOR SALE: Georgia peaches, California grown.

FOR SALE: Nice parachute. Never opened. Used only once.

FOR SALE: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition. Best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.

Some messages might not all be for humans. How about the following, made up by a farmer with his cows in mind:

Wake up in a happy mooo-d.

Don't cry over spilled milk.

Chew cud with pleasure: no fat, no calories, no cholesterol, no taste.

Seize every opportunity and milk it for all its worth.

Never take any bull from anybody.

Always let them know who's bossy.

Black and white is always an appropriate fashion statement.

Honor thy fodder and thy mudder, and all your udder relatives.

While we're playing around with puns - which, by the way, are considered the lowest form of humor (as the saying goes, "People who pun should be PUNished") - laugh, snicker, or cry over these:

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid; he claims he can stop anytime.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I once acted in a drama about puns. It was a play on words.

Why were Indians here first? They had reservations.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker until I lost interest.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Ouch! But then there are some puns for those will please anyone with a higher IQ than average:

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Shotgun wedding - a case of wife or death.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it's two tired.

What's the definition of a will? It's really a dead giveaway.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like bananas.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

You will feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted. Taint yours and taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic mind that was never developed.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

...And, finally: Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Rotten Tomatoes averages: "Hope Springs," B-; "The Odd Life of Timothy Green," C-



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